The Jackson family cemetery at The Hermitage; east of Nashville, TN

Grieving doesn't come with a textbook. I wish it did because it would be easier to go through if I knew exactly what to expect with the process. Everyone grieves differently. There isn't a wrong way to grieve, either. The grief journey is a unique journey specific to individuals, even if a group of people are grieving the same losses. I don't believe there's a wrong way to grieve because emotionally, we can't control what we feel or when we feel something. The only thing in the grief journey, and in everyday life in general, that we can control is our actions. You can't take your actions back once you've committed to it. Just because you're hurting doesn't mean you can hurt others in return to even the score. Actions speak louder than words.

Grieving isn't solely a process for dealing with the death of a loved one. It's what its commonly associated with, but it applies to anything that we lose in life. Grief can come with job loss that was expected or unexpected. Losing a home is another example of grieving the loss of comfort and sentimentalism. Have you ever lost a sentimental item during a moving process? That can constitute a feeling of grief as well. When we lose meaningful people and things in our lives, a sense of remorse and grief overcomes us in ways we don't expect. Typically, we don't wake up in the morning and plan to grieve for something that day. I shouldn't say typically, but rather genuinely, we don't plan to grieve when we wake up. I have found over the years that the grief journey goes at its own pace and it's up to us to acknowledge our feelings and deal with them in the best manner possible. Nobody can go on the journey for us. No GPS can navigate clear directions on how to get to the end of the journey either. The best healer for grief is time, and that's different for everyone too.

The reason the grief journey is so unique is because in a split second you can go from upbeat, positive energy to feeling sorrow and sadness. Something as subtle as a scent in the room can trigger a flood of memories from the past that overwhelm you with grief in unexplainable ways in the moment. It can happen years down the road after we think we've moved on from that time in our lives. Except, to say we've moved on feels like I'm saying we've abandoned that time of our lives. Moving forward is a better term to use when it comes to grieving losses. We never forget the losses but as we move forward and the wounds heal with time, the pain that came with the loss feels less debilitating in our lives. 

Anniversaries of events seem like the biggest reminders along the grief journey, especially within the first year of the loss. The anniversary of the day itself can bring back the core memories of that day and can cause us to relive that day over and over in our heads. The first birthday without them feels empty, and I'm sure the same can be said for a marriage anniversary or even your own special days that come along. We never know until each day arrives how we're going to be physically and emotionally that day. We simply can't plan our emotional state for the day upon getting up. Being a natural planner, I would love if I could get a blueprint of how I'm going to feel every day of the week. Planning my day would be so much easier that way. Because we don't know the future, during the grief journey it's especially important to take each day one day at a time. Some days, we need to take things hour by hour for our own good. 

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I've mentioned in a couple of previous pieces that I've dealt with many losses of friends and family in my short time. By the time I was 25 I had lost both of my fathers to different illnesses. My biological father died when I was seven. The grieving process for a seven-year-old looks different compared to an adult's process. In many ways, there isn't a true process for a kid to go through. They just go through it is the best way I can describe it. As a kid I didn't understand how the grief process worked. I also didn't know that I hadn't accepted the fact that my biological dad was gone until I got to college and started going to therapy on a regular basis. Sure, as a kid I harbored a lot of negative emotions over my dad not being around sometimes. I may have been really young when he passed but I remember him and the times we had. But acceptance was the one piece to the puzzle that I could never find until I got out on my own, and that is no one's fault. Sometimes we need an outside perspective from someone who doesn't know anything about us or our family lives to shed light on issues we've been dealing with. That's more than reasonable and something no one should be ashamed of. Outside perspective is a good thing to have during the grief journey.

When my dad died in 2023, I felt better equipped to face the grief journey head on. I had experience with it by then and I felt more mature dealing with my emotions in a manner that wasn't a chaotic roller coaster of hills and valleys. I had a better understanding of myself in 2023 than I did in 2018. If it wasn't for therapy in college, I don't know if I would've gotten through the loss of my dad in a healthy manner. It would've taken a much longer time to get to a place of going through the steps properly and not being impatient with the timing. I think grief scares people at first instinct. When it comes to feeling negative emotions, none of us want to embrace those emotions. We all strive for positive energy and good vibes and sitting in a dark and sad place emotionally brings out a lot of feelings we never knew we had to being with. Instead of letting ourselves feel the hurt and pain of loss, we try to put the feelings aside in a bottle and ignore those feelings until the lid can't stay screwed on, causing a huge spill when it's all said and done. 

If we don't allow ourselves the time to grieve, it will take our mind and body over in ways we won't be able to control eventually. Time heals all wounds, but if we don't give ourselves the time to find healing then the wound will never heal on its own. It will keep opening up and expose itself for you and those around you to see, and a bandage will only temporarily solve the problem. Give yourself the space to grieve and feel what you're feeling. I recommend looking for a therapist who specializes in grief counseling as well because they will be able to help you in better and more professional ways than your inner circle of friends and family will be able too. A good counselor will be able to help you navigate through the stages while also providing you a support system that you can turn to on a professional level. Friends and family are important to have too, but at the end of the day they're your friends and family, not your therapist. 

The grief journey is unique to each individual. If you've been dealing with a loss recently, I extend my condolences to you and your loved ones. If your world feels too heavy at the moment, that's okay. No one should expect you to be at your best while simultaneously dealing with the effects of your loss. During this time, take everything one day at a time and don't overwork yourself as a way to distract from the new reality. Allow yourself to embrace what you're feeling and process the emotions that come with it without shame. Remember that you can't control what you feel, but you can control how you react. If you feel like you're about to hit a boiling point, do these three things. Stop, take a deep breath, and walk away. Take a few moments to gather yourself and let out your anger, frustrations, etc. in a safe space. Don't bottle those emotions. And if you do lose your composure and lash out at someone as a result, be sure to apologize for it when you've come to a clearer head space. Everyone hits a boiling point, but again, grief does not excuse us from hurting others just because we're hurting too. My last point of emphasis is this: there are resources available that can help you. You do not have to go through this alone, and you shouldn't either. I have attached a few resources below if you don't know where to look for assistance.

Don't be afraid of the process. You're stronger than you think you are and this journey is just another part of the road of life. 

Resources