Taking Risks Through Life's Journey

"Scars heal and reveal just where you are" is an accurate statement in life. We all go through difficult times in life that leave emotional or even physical scars. Those scars tell a story from our past that become a part of us moving forward. The oldest scar I have is from the time I was running around in our yard when I was a toddler, probably two or three years old. I was a bit clumsy (as most toddlers are) and in the process of running around our yard I tripped and fell on a tree stump, landing right on my knee and cutting it open. To add insult to injury I cut it open again a few days later when I tripped over a lady's foot at church! Even in my late 20's that scar is still visible today and that story will pass on to future generations in the family, I'm sure.

I wouldn't say that scar revealed anything about myself other than the fact that I am still very clumsy today. The scars that have built my character and personality, however, are the scars that have come through tragedies and health strife. I was seven years old when my biological dad passed away. This was a defining moment for my life at a very young age. I learned early on how cruel the journey of life can be, but things could've been much worse down the road. My mom remarried and as a result I grew up with another father figure. As I grew older, I gained more appreciation for him because I realized how big of a pillar he was as I navigated high school and the early stages of adulthood. He made sure I was equipped for the real world when the time came by making me think about things that don't usually come to mind regularly. He taught me practical skills that eventually applied to my life once I got out of the roommate stage of life, like how to build furniture for example. Most importantly, at least in my opinion, he taught me the importance of money management. I didn't fully grasp this concept until I was in a place in life where every dollar was needed in order to pay rent and bills. Nonetheless, all the conversations about living below your means finally got drilled into my head at that point in my life.

When he passed away unexpectedly two years ago, I felt lost on my journey. I felt numb and detached from the real world. A part of me thought I was never going to have to go through the struggle of losing a dad again. He may not have been my biological dad, but he helped my mom raise me. As I got older, I stopped referring to him as my stepdad in part because he was a part of my life longer than my biological dad. It felt wrong to continue putting that label on him. Calling him my stepdad felt like I hadn't fully embraced his presence and impact on me. 

I have dealt with a lot of losses in my life. Those losses have defined me in ways I can't begin to describe in one blog piece. However, losing my dad two years ago hit me harder than any previous loss did. Yet this loss was easier for me to get through compared to previous ones. I knew what to expect with the grieving process. Better yet, I knew that life would continue to go on even with this new wound and little motivation to be productive. I didn't feel pressured to be at my best each day. I knew some days would be better than others and that a little time would heal the wound. That's not to say I didn't withdraw myself and faked being okay. I think everyone has a natural ability to put aside negative feelings and emotions in certain situations. But this time around I gave myself the freedom to feel what I was feeling without shame. I didn't pretend to be sad because I felt like I had to be, but I didn't force myself to be happy just to keep those around me from asking about it. In order to keep things in my life simple, I forced myself to slow down and take things day by day for once.

Forcing myself to slow things down around me was essential in getting back on the road. I like to make plans for life years into the future as a way of setting goals for myself, as well as giving me motivation to reach for the stars so they say. During this unexpected journey, planning for the future felt wrong. Why would I plan for anything as soon as a week in advance when I may not be here tomorrow anyway? That's how it felt following my dad's passing. One day I talked to him through facetime, and he was his usual energetic self. Two weeks later he was gone. Just like that. Who was to say that wouldn't happen to me? It took about two months for me to get my mind out of that mindset, but it was the amount of time I needed before I felt motivated to get back on the road and start exploring the world around me again. That's the thing with the grief journey; time will slowly heal wounds if we give ourselves the time to allow for healing.

The emotional scar will always be with me, but instead of allowing it to define me as a person, I've let this scar define the way I live everyday life. It is true that we don't know what tomorrow brings. Our time could come any day, and that's why I take more risks than I did before. Not every risk has gone how I hoped it would, but I haven't felt regret for taking any of those risks either. With risk comes learning opportunities, and I would certainly do some things differently if I could go back. But in life we can't turn around and change outcomes. The only thing we can do is move forward and learn from past mistakes in an effort to not repeat the same mistakes again.